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Uncomfortable Asks: Client Friends and ‘Don’t Wanna’ Bottoms

How to rethink the grey areas with clients and stuff to do that isn’t buttsex.


 

We had so much fun with the last Uncomfortable Asks that I almost couldn’t wait to do it again! If you missed the last entry, someone called me “incredibly dumb,” someone else got mad on twitter, and a third person was actually really gracious because it was his anon question that I answered and I guess I came off as less “entitled” and “dismissive” to him.

Ah, well.  It’s advice, at the end of the day. Just my ¢2. Not a prescription for every single human person that reads these words. Perhaps I should have added a disclaimer saying as much before I suggested that experience trumps reading about dicks on worksheets.

Shall we soldier on to some new and different questions?

 


 

What do you do when you’re with someone who doesn’t want to bottom? What’s the point?

-Anonymous Submit via Tumblr

 

My temptation was to hit the delete button on this one, because there’s a lot of stuff in my tumblr inbox right now and because this really seems like common sense to me. But I suspect there’s more lurking here than meets the eye, and this keeps coming up again and again.

Pornography (god bless it) has really done a magnificent job in its recent societal omnipresence, of convincing literally everyone that sex = intercourse, full stop. That’s sort of like saying food = steak, full stop.

Steak is great. I love steak. It doesn’t even always have to be good steak. I’ll eat a burned cut of medium-grade beef, slathered in A1. IDGAF. Sometimes my body just wants a bunch of meat in me, and steak is a great way to make that happen fast.

I was a vegetarian right up until November of 2015, though, and all those years I wasn’t eating steak, I didn’t sit around thinking “gosh, I sure miss eating food,” because I was eating food. There are foods (believe it or not) that aren’t steak!

And not everyone wants to eat steak. Some people just don’t want to eat it all the time, and others simply don’t want it at all!

The best thing you can do in a situation like this is to think to yourself what you’re doing in that situation. If it were me, and I was with someone that I found sexually attractive, and we were making out and getting naked, I’d be damn sure to have a backup list of things to do that weren’t fucking, if they said they didn’t wanna fuck. Because I liked this person! And I liked being naked and turned on and visiting boner city with them! Boner city is filled to the brim with stuff to do that isn’t penetrache.

But if all you came to do was fuck, then who cares what this other person wants, because clearly you’re here for different stuff, and you should be on your way.  If your question is “what’s the point?” because there’s no anal penetration, you’re betraying a shallowness of experience and ability that ought to embarrass you, and that dude saying “no, thanks” to you can do better.

Find a match that shares your narrow views and do that one, same repetitive act with them again and again!

 

-t

 

Do you ever find that you want to be friends with clients (not boyfriends, just friends). And real friends, not “I like all my clients” kind of friends?

-Anonymous Submit via Tumblr

 

I don’t know if this one really counts as ‘advice,’ but it’s an easy question for me to answer: of course. Of course I’m friends with many of my clients, both past and current.

Lots of people mistakenly believe that because I am a professional companion, that I must necessarily be insincere in my affection for the people who call me. But when you really break that down, there’s no reason that money dictates who one can find interesting or be touched by, emotionally.  It’s just a feeling that people have that I must be acting all the time, because who could ever love… a Beast? No. Wait. Who could ever be friends with someone who was paying for their time?

But you know what? I’ve had personal trainers that I consider friends. And I’m definitely friends with the trio of people in charge of my hair. I’m friends with my dentist (we text often) and I’m friends with my landlord (believe that or not!). I pay all of those people (sometimes lots of) money. That’s the nature of our relationship. But they’re still people, aside from that central point in our connectedness, and they still have interesting lives and stories to tell and ways to relate that aren’t relegated to our I PAY YOU, NOW YOU ARE MINE dynamic.

Do I maintain friendships that aren’t confined by the boundaries of a professional arrangement? I sure do. A lot of them.

 

 

-t

 


 

If you’ve got an Uncomfortable Ask, about anything at all, drop me a line.  If you want to stay anonymous, use my Tumblr Ask Hole, or the form below:

 

 

“There’s no such thing as a stupid question” (is an incorrect thing a lot of people say) but if you don’t ask, you’ll never know. And that seems worse than asking a stupid question.

 

-t


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Nothing quite like directness, right?   It should be said that even I get tired of the sound of my own voice bouncing around in here, championing the same behaviors,...

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