24 Nov Black Friday Shopping List: *Penis Treats* Edition
Because you(r penis) deserve(s) a reward more than anyone else on your list.
I’m not a Black Friday shopper by any stretch of the imagination. You won’t find me in line at WalMart today – I’ve spent the whole morning at home, with coffee in one hand and the other stuffed down the front of my sweatpants). But there are some good discounts to be had out there (for those of you who can’t hold it until Cyber Monday). And once you’ve done all your spending on gifts for others, maybe it’s time you did a little something for yourself.
I spend so much time here talking about stuff I love (cockrings and masturbators and underwear), but I can’t tell you how many conversations I still end up with where someone sheepishly says “oh, I’ve never tried a cockring before.” Or “Nobody sees my underwear, so it doesn’t need to be ‘fancy‘.”
Gents: I’m here to tell you that it simply isn’t acceptable that you’ve lived all your lives without trying things you’re curious about, or wearing cool or special underwears just for you. It’s high time you took advantage of some of these sale prices and did something for YOURSELF. After all, masturbation is a key focus of our conversation on this blog, and that’s ALL about yourself. But masturbation doesn’t have to stop at stroking your dong up and down till you squirt; masturbation can include toys and play and discovery and tools designed to help you learn about your fukkin penis! Even when you’re doing other stuff
I’ve pulled together a list of stuff you should very seriously (I mean get your credit card out seriously) consider ordering, using, and incorporating into your life (the way you should constantly be trying to incorporate your penis into your life). You ready?
Black Friday: ?Penis?Treats
This one should already be a staple in your life. It’s cheap, it’s odorless, and it provides a long lasting/easily cleaned up lubrication. Bonus? With continued use, it will improve and soften the skin of your penis and surrounding areas. It’s ostensibly a makeup remover, and while it is good for face skin concerns, it’s also the penis grease du jour for virtually any jack off club you attend. If you go to a jack party and someone tries to touch your dick with Astroglide or some other amateur-hour product, you should feel very free to get all Grey Poupon about it and demand something more suitable.
$10 (but you can find it cheaper if you look)
I am absolutely exhausted of talking to grown up adult men who have lived their whole life without ever trying any kind of cockring ever. HOW?! How is that even POSSIBLE!? Regular readers here will know my enthusiasm for Penis Accessories, and my penchant for wearing them every. single. day. So when someone has “always been curious” but still somehow never boldened up to try it, I am baffled.
But it’s never ever too late. If your current ring count is still ZERO, it’s time to make a change. My recommendation for first timers is my personal favorite: the OxBalls Mechanic Ring. These are soft and flexible enough to be worn for hours at a time, and still really pack a grip (especially once you start to get hard). Once you’ve mastered the Mechanic, I can promise you’ll be ready for more. But you gotta take that first test drive.
Personal note: there are lots of styles and materials, and like anything, all bodies and penises are different. Do your best to really look at the size and shape of a ring before you buy it, and don’t get distracted by the big, photoshop-fluffed wangs they’re using to sell them. This isn’t about a pornstar’s ring’d dong. It’s about yours. Being realistic about your size/shape/comfort levels will get you to something that will bring you hours of enjoyment, instead of a thing that sits in a drawer forever.
$27 (or FREE, if you buy 50 bucks worth of other stuff and use this coupon)
If you’ve ever give me an opening, I’ve for sure told you about my obsession with trying to stretch my nuts. I even did a whole Testicle Tuesday worship post to guys who are farther along than I am.
This one might seem like an advanced level tool, but if you start small, I can basically guarantee you’ll stick with it. There’s virtually nothing to compare scrotal weights to. It is a family of sensations that isn’t really like anything else you do with your dong. While it’s totally fantastic to feel your extra heavy balls banging around while you’re jacking it, weights are more about long-term wear, and you’ll find that even a small amount of weight will keep a large amount of attention on your balls all day long. Pair this with Albolene (above) to keep skin supple and stretchable; weighted skin will start to feel painful if it isn’t properly moisturized.
Stretchers (even rubber/silicone ones like you’ll find at OxBalls) are also great for super-sensitive dudes to learn about their balls and incorporate them into play, instead of just going “ow ow ow! I’m too sensitive!” Sensitive balls are one thing, but in my experience, that feeling is more to do with a lack of real understanding of testicular sensation. Learning is how we overcome those sorts of obstacles, and weights are a great learning tool. My current favorite is the Bullet style, pictured above. But, again, this is about finding the size and shape that suits you and your testicles best.
My favorite company (and where all of mine have come from) is The Chain Gang. They have sizing guides, reviews, and a flexible return policy that lets you feel comfortable you’re going to get the exact right size for you (stainless steel items like these can be autoclaved and sterilized, so there’s no worry that you’re getting a product someone else returned. The Chain Gang is legit and I’ve never had or heard of a problem. For what it’s worth: their customer service has also always been above and beyond).
$51-78 (depending on size and weight)
You guys. You’re too old to keep buying underwear that crushes your genitals day in and day out. If you’re reading this, you’re too old. If you’re mature enough to be in charge of buying your own underwear, you’re TOO OLD TO SMASH YOUR PENIS FLAT. This stupid behavior HAS to stop.
I can still remember the first time I put on a pair of underwear that was designed with a pouch space for my penis and testicles, and what a fucking revolutionary moment that was for me. There was no longer any need to ‘adjust’ myself (to the chagrin and disdain of any female person who happened to see me do it) constantly. There was no more exhausted sigh of relief when I pulled them down at the end of the day and my sad, crushed genitals began to reinflate. I could wear these pants for hours and hours and feel supported, cupped, and comfortable.
Men: you don’t realize it yet, but all your adult life, your balls have been waiting to exhale. LET THEM BREATHE
I am begging you just to try it. As I explained to a new friend in Philadelphia, it’s not about having “fancy underwear” to impress someone else (his argument was that nobody sees his with any regularity, so what difference did it really make?), it’s about respecting yourself, your body, and your penis, enough to purchase something that actually corresponds to the shape of your actual body. Instead of repeating the same insane pattern of trying to conform your body to the nonsense shape of flat underwear.
Obviously brand underwear is the king’s choice for pouch briefs. But I can understand how some guys might not be ready for something so very… ahem… prominent, shall we say. C-in-2 is a nice alternative (especially for every day wear) and provides a pouch space that will accommodate most men quite well.
If you find yourself rather blessed, however, it can be difficult to find a pouch that will comfortably contain you. In that case, I strongly recommend Obviously (in any and all styles. I own everything they make and there’s no wrong choice here). HisRoom.com sent an incredibly body/genital-positive emailer last week that blew my mind and made me so happy; they were telling dudes that it’s ok to have external parts, and that it’s not gay – looking at you, Andrew Christian – to not want to crush those parts day after day. It’s so frustrating that so many men are put off by the idea of “gay underwear” and so deprive themselves of adulty comfort. Brands have to start doing better about catering to ALL men. All my recommendation links are going to HisRoom, in celebration of their mainstreaming of grownup dong comfort.
$12-29 (HisRoom is currently offering a Black Friday $20 gift card for every $100 you spend)
I love you all and am beyond ‘thankful’ that you guys take the time read my words and share your thoughts with me. I am so blessed, and I want nothing more than to help you find your way to sexual confidence and comfort. Make your penis part of your life every single day. It will change your whole world.